The word Chivalry immediately transports us into medieval times and the image of sprawling castles, medieval manor houses, baroque design furniture, Art and, in it a ‘knight in a shining armor’, full of valor and worldly virtues appear right in front of our eyes. The writings of Jane Austen in Pride and Prejudice, Emma and Sense and Sensibility, to me are quite fascinating. Although Mr. Darcy, Mr. Knightly or for that matter Colonel Brandon, were not the ‘knight in the shining armor’, in any sense of the term, but they all had this knightly characteristic which was extremely attractive and breathtakingly romantic to any woman. They were sharp, successful and charming, whenever they were near their ladies or otherwise. The manner in which they conducted themselves around their heroines, was extremely irresistible for those women and for the readers.  All the women protagonists have been portrayed battling and reasoning with their conflicted inner emotions and affection for those men throughout the plot. The reason being, all the men in those plots, with their inherent gentleness and benevolence were capable of igniting passion and longing in the hearts of those ladies. Although the circumstances of each one of them were quite different from the other. That was chivalry at its best. However the era of ‘Pride and Prejudice’, ‘Sense and Sensibility, and ‘Emma’, could not be called medieval by any comparison. However, the men of those plots were quite full of chivalry with the romance and charm and the basic etiquette toward the ladies around them, and the honor with which they would conduct themselves.

Definition:

So, what is chivalry? According to Merriam Webster dictionary, chivalry is:

The system of values (such as loyalty and honor) that knights in the Middle Ages were expected to follow.

: An honorable and polite way of behaving especially toward women.

In other words chivalry is a medieval code of conduct for the Knights, and a certain way they were expected to conduct themselves as men and as Knights and their duties toward their King, and the weaker section of the society, especially women. Make sense?  Additionally they were full of courage, valor, loyalty, respect and commitment for the women and were expected to be just, respectful and honorable to them at all times. Quite significantly the chivalry toward women was seen as honorable, gallant and moral. Chivalrous men were in abundance and were successful in attracting the attention of their lady love without violating the socially acceptable norm of that period. They were expected to be kind and benevolent to their lady in particular and, practically all the ladies in general.  It was a norm and any man of virtue and knightly existence was expected to behave in the purview of those established norms.

However as the time progressed and medieval castles turned into single family homes and then further into smaller tenements, in addition to industrial development and technological advancement the medieval code of conduct got more and more distorted and muddled. The honor and respect with which men used to take pride in taking care of their women, gradually turned into mere chore  or worse? The medieval men who courageously and gallantly, could draw their swords to protect their ladies from inappropriate advances from bad actors, in order to protect the honor and respect, were no longer in making. Somehow the whole equation of taking care of the lady was no more fashionable or honorable. There was no pride associated with protecting or taking full ownership of her modesty, honor, dignity or joy. Instead, the focus shifted more on protecting one’s own interests. Magnanimity and generosity a characteristic of a noble man was dwindling, if not gone.

That changes the entire discussion and the scenario, it creates. Ever since then, loyalty has been on its perpetual shifting sands. It is an old fashioned clichéd thing, of the past. A thing of yore. Gentle and respectful playfulness toward a lady to ignite a robust and passionate romance is no more a popular theme among men, who are the product of modern complex and technologically advanced society. The men of modern times are not, or least interested in chivalry and surely they do not fully understand the complete extent of it. It would be wrong to say that there is a dearth or paucity of good men, but surely, as far as men are concerned, there has been an overall attitudinal shift toward women. Undoubtedly, there have been enormous changes in the way of life, living, education, occupation and, our beliefs in general. However it is quite impossible to lay our finger on one reason for this shift, as there could be many culprits for this ever changing reality. Although the reason could be numerous, out of all, time and money could be the most significant one.

The interests of modern men are mainly of a different nature. It is more a reflection of a casual playfulness, mismatched expectations and depleting and confused loyalties toward women. The emphasis is mainly on maximum return out of lowest emotional investment.

However, it will be unjust to blame the men entirely for the changing code of conduct toward the women folks. With more women joining the workforce as well as the feminist movement gaining ground, in almost all the strata of society, the chivalry has gotten somehow lost in this ever evolving and dynamic society. Consequently, men have decided to take the easier path and let go the basic premise which is essential for the proper understanding and rendering of valor, respect and gentleness toward women. Also the realization that chivalry is a responsibility which is implicit in the term itself and, does require discipline. A chivalrous man automatically assumes certain responsibilities, which can be quite a burden considering today’s fast paced and mainly self-centered life. It is an extension of a man’s personality and morality to others, and women in particular. Expectably, the perception of men toward women has taken its full circle.

Nowadays not getting up and vacating the seat for a woman is not frowned or looked down upon, instead it is considered equal treatment of women by men and therefore not at all improper or rude. Subsequently, it is not fashionable or rewarding to pull a chair for a lady, or hold a door, or for that matter even help her with her luggage at the airport or train station. It is rather considered exhausting and not worthwhile.  It is too much effort for too little or no reward. These small gestures by men toward women are no more considered gallant or romantic and not at all honorable by any standards. Contrarily, in some cases, the men can easily become the victims of their effort and would have to suffer harshness and criticism of the women they tried to extend their hands in order to help.

Today’s damsels do not want to be labelled distressed.

However, despite all the explanations and discussions the desire to be treated like a lady remains alive in the deepest corners of our hearts. And will continue to be so, for most of the women, for deep down we all appreciate the kindness and gentleness of men, whenever we get the opportunity to experience that. Most women like to be treated by worthy men with sweet gestures of emotion and honor.  Women, in general like to be treated with respect and dignity and taken care of when it is called for. A mature and glamorous rendering of affection as part of everyday living is stylish at the same time distinctly attractive and romantic. While many men would claim that they do treat their ladies with great passion and romance, how many can truly sustain it for life? Most of the chivalry in today’s world is for a short period of time.  Mostly for momentary pleasures and temporary passions. There is an absolute erosion of loyalty and respect which is the foundation of any relationship present, or future. This entire carfuffle has put us in a situation where we are scared of taking ownership and responsibility of anything.

We all wait for special events and dates to be nice and celebratory. I have heard people say sometimes that, ‘today I will be nice because it’s Christmas’. Why expressing the most beautiful emotion has to be marked by an event or occasion? Why make it so fake and commercialized? Why do men have to wait for the birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day or for that matter Christmas to be chivalrous? The good conduct by showing respect and honor to the fairer sex should not be typically bound by some special event or occasion, instead it should be the part of everyday living. Specially, when dealing with “The Woman”.

Everyday, I come across people who stir my thoughts, which inspires me further to investigate. A couple of days ago amidst Christmas cheer, I was shopping at my local nearby mall. While coming out of the mall I saw a couple carrying over ten shopping bags. As I neared them I was aghast to see that the woman was carrying all ten bags and man had both his hands in his pocket. They both appeared quite happy and looked like a normal couple. So why should I be mentioning them? Precisely! This distorted ‘Feel good’, ‘I don’t care’, and ‘We are good’ attitude toward each other has taken such a shape that we have adjusted ourselves to this ever changing dynamics of all relationships. It was quite odd to me to see the woman carrying all the shopping bags herself, but it was not at all unusual for the couple and particularly, the woman in question. Why? Because unkind and un gentlemanly behavior is now acceptable. Women have adjusted to that reality and they don’t expect men to carry their loads. Because that will make them look weak and needy. Because now we are equal to men and no one can take that away from us. My question is why on earth, someone’s niceness and gentleness will make us look bad or weak? Also it is quite opposite for men. They are done being nice and gentle to women. They don’t find chivalry enticing or rewarding.  It’s too much effort for minimal gain. They don’t want trophies or medals, because even if a man is not chivalrous he can still survive and thrive. Their basic purpose has been served, the intimacy has been achieved, so why carry extra bags for her? Let her do whatever she wants to do in the name of liberty and freedom and fairness and enjoy all the perks with least emotional investment. This is not only a reflection of a man or a woman but also a reflection of a society as such.

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The crux of the matter is there is no pride and valor attached to taking care of women. Half the time men don’t find chivalry, rewarding and another half they are fearful of being labeled patronizing toward women. I asked few of our family friends, if they would help a woman struggling with her luggage at the airport or train station? Three out of five said, no. The reason being, the fear of getting the lady offended, or labeled a chauvinist and so on. I asked the ladies, would they like to be helped by men in the above mentioned situation, and, the answer was a tossup.

So the bottom line is we are fiercely protective of our own agendas, and even if at times it is not in the best of our interests we don’t want to change for the fear of being labeled something we don’t want to be labeled as. The women don’t want to be perceived as weak and clingy and men don’t want to be called chauvinist. In the process both try to extract from each other what they think is best they could get out of the existing situation. For me this is nothing but mediocrity and an excuse for adjusting to the lowest common denominator. Which in this case means, being indifferent to each other’s situation as long as it fulfills someone’s self-motivated agenda and position in their self established social standing.

It also ascertains that we are not looking for long term respectful and loyal relationships but something quick and instant for temporary gain, more of a physical and less of an emotional kind. We are perpetually scared of emotional ties. We fear labels and in doing so we are constantly lowering our bar. Sometimes so low that we end up hurting our inherent beliefs in order to maintain the preconceived mutual space and respect. Which in my view is mostly in the air. It’s fluff.  I have always attributed kindness to chivalry, for mostly one reason, kindness is the one virtue which can be a source of myriad of other beautiful human emotions. Those emotions of respect, honor, love which springs from kindness can be quite instrumental in instilling the basic chivalrous attitude in men. Whether it will be reciprocated by women in the same fashion, will be quite another story.

As far as I am concerned, I love chivalrous behavior and I do find men truly attractive, especially when they are respectful and gentle to women. If someone helps me with my luggage, or holds a door for me, or waits for me I call it chivalrous.  A kind and gentle man is chivalrous. That in my opinion is the most noble and honorable. Men should get the cue from this. Who says women like bad boys? May be they would for fun, but for life they would always prefer a kind, courageous, loving and loyal man by their side.  It is truly that simple. Women would love to be treated with respect, honor, kindness and charm and would be certainly rewarding for both in the end. Chivalry does not cost money, most of the time, but requires respect and honor for the fairer sex. It also does not require a horse and a shining armor but an arms full of love, respect and kindness toward your woman. If all the men in the world start demonstrating even a tiny bit of chivalry in their daily life, it will stimulate the change and society will benefit from it.

However it can also be argued that not all women deserve the chivalrous treatment by men, and it’s true. But that is whole another discussion.

In the meantime and in my opinion, chivalry is not gone it is surely on the path of decline. Therefore, it is on us to figure out how to reinstate those wonderful medieval codes in our society, and, among our men and boys to invigorate the pride and honor with which they used to care for their ladies. The more respect we bring to women the greater chances we have of having indestructible societies and values which will further perpetuate the civility and beauty in its totality. The seeds of chivalry have to be planted in the minds of boys from the very beginning and the onus is on us women to have it properly planted, and the civilization will thank us for our efforts. Showing respect to women is not an old fashioned creature of the past or animal of yore, but would rather, remain as a milestone of our future generation and a guiding light for the propagation and expansion of culture and humanity for as long as our world exists in this universe. Therefore chivalry can be summarized as:

C: Charm

H: Honor

I: Ingenuity

V: Valor

A: Articulate

L: Love

R: Respect

Y: Yield

Conclusively, chivalry can never be dead as long as good men roam this planet and good women are there to appreciate their gallantry. It definitely takes two to tango. So, men, if you want to feel like a knight, be chivalrous. And for you ladies you just have to be like a lady.